(Note: There are vague hints of kink discussion here. Not a lot, but. Would feel comfortable if minors didn’t read this one ^^")

Here’s one thing I’ve been thinking about lately - just… how good it feels to be a pooltoy. How well I think identifying as such has helped me emotionally.

I was cursed with being a Gifted Kid, growing up. I was told I’d accomplish great things. There were high expectations of me, and I think that internalized a lot in me. I don’t tolerate myself failing all that well - more so, I don’t tolerate it at all. I will give anyone else space to fuck up, cause problems, make things worse for myself, but the instant I do it, I feel like I’ve committed a crime against humanity, and I need to be punished.

That’s not a great way to view myself. It’s not healthy and it doesn’t help anything out. It just makes me afraid to fail, and it makes failure worse.

But what if I didn’t expect anything of myself? What if failure was met with instead “well, of course you would, you’re just a simple toy, you don’t need to think”? The answer is, well… I don’t feel so bad about myself when I fail. I’m allowed to fail, I’m just a toy after all.

…i felt like i’d have more to say but nothing else is coming out. guess that’s because i’m just a toy and toys don’t need to think all that much. squrk